from Britney

I was cleaning the kitchen one afternoon when my six-year-old son came in from playing outside. He was clearly upset.

“Mom! I have a splinter in my hand!” he exclaimed.

“Can you show it to me?” I asked.

As he cautiously held out his hand, I could plainly see the splinter. As far as splinters go, I knew this one would be very easy to remove. It was sticking out quite far from his skin. “Let me get some tweezers, so I can pull that out for you,” I said.

“NO! It hurts SO bad!” he cried.

“It will be very easy to remove. It won’t hurt at all,” I calmly replied. “It’s going to be more painful if you leave it in.”

Refusing to allow anyone to touch his sore hand, he emphatically declined my offer to help. He went back to playing, troubled by the tiny foreign object sending pain through his little hand but not ready to face the fear of having it removed.

I have seen my young children make this choice before. In the past, there have been times when I’ve forced them to let me take out their splinters. I would struggle to hold them still while trying to grab onto those minuscule pieces of wood lodged in their skin. My kids always hated it. They would squirm and cry, and I never had much success helping them in those conditions. Over time, I’ve learned that, for a simple splinter, it’s better not to touch it until they’re willing to let me help them.

Sometimes I’m like a child with a splinter. I have painful emotions, weaknesses, or sins that I know are hurting me, but I’m afraid to let my Savior remove them. I feel scared that the process of allowing Him to heal me is going to hurt more than my current suffering. Just as my son protected his splinter from any aid I could give him, I also often guard the painful areas of my life from the Lord because I fear His help will cause more soreness for me. I would rather live with the familiar pain than risk any further discomfort.

As I work the twelve steps of Healing Through Christ, I’m reminded that Jesus Christ is patient and kind. He feels empathy for my pain, even if it is self-inflicted. When I cling to unhealthy feelings and behaviors, He doesn’t abandon or condemn me. He wants me to turn to Him whether or not I’m completely ready to trust Him. He understands why I feel afraid, and He wants to help me release my fears and grow in faith. In Step Two, as we learn to surrender our fearful emotions, we realize that “because our Savior respects our agency, He will not take from us what we are not willing to give. We become ready to willingly give and completely surrender our fears to Him, then we prayerfully ask our Savior to take from us the fearful emotional burdens that are creating so much hopelessness and pain in our lives.”¹

In Step Six, we become ready to let God help us. “When we truly desire to change, we will become willing to let go of our old ways of doing things and trust that the spirit of the Lord will teach us new ways. This desire is increased when we fully comprehend how this choice will bless our lives.”² Working the twelve steps of Healing Through Christ helps us learn how to put more trust in our Savior. We learn to believe in His ability to calm our troubled hearts, strengthen our weaknesses, and lead us to change.

Richard G. Scott taught: “Many of you suffer needlessly from carrying heavy burdens because you do not open your hearts to the healing power of the Lord…lay the burden at the feet of the Savior. He has invited you to do that so that you can be free from pointless worry and depression.”³ We’re reminded in our support group meetings that “as we pray, seek the Lord’s guidance, read our scriptures and work the Steps on a daily basis…we will find hope, we will feel peace and we will experience joy again.”⁴ These spiritual habits keep us close to God. When we invite His spirit into our lives daily, we develop a more trusting relationship with Him. With this increased trust, it becomes easier to allow Him to remove our spiritual splinters before they become too painfully embedded in our lives. We will want to reach for Him when we feel broken and hurt. He will comfort us as He carefully, and often very gradually, takes our uncomfortable feelings, weaknesses, and sins away. If we let Him, He will gently unbury the hurt lodged in our spirits, and we will live free from fear and pain.

¹ Healing Through Christ – Help, Hope, and Healing for those who have a loved one in       addiction, 23

² Healing Through Christ – Help, Hope, and Healing for those who have a loved one in addiction, 61

³ Richard G. Scott, “To Be Free of Heavy Burdens,” Ensign, Nov 2002

⁴ Michigan Healing Through Christ, “Family Support Group Phone Meeting Format,” Closing section, para. 2

from Britney

In Healing Through Christ, we learn to apply the spiritual adage, let go and let God. We put this principle into practice as we allow Him to do for our loved ones what we are not able to do. We recognize that “God manages things better than we do.”¹ Several years ago, I learned the value of letting go and letting God when I faced a challenge with my oldest child.

We moved from Arkansas to Michigan for an employment opportunity right before my son started Kindergarten. I didn’t know much about Michigan before moving there, but I knew enough to expect bitterly cold winters. I couldn’t remember ever wearing a pair of snow pants as a child in the South, much less going to school (or anywhere) in winter weather. The idea of sending my very young little boy to school in several inches of snow wearing insulated pants, boots, hat, and mittens was completely foreign to me. He was so small. I didn’t know if he could handle it. In addition to the stresses of unfamiliar weather and wardrobe, I had other fears about sending my first baby out into the world. He was a homebody who had a lot of anxiety about facing anything new.

One day in November, the first snow started to fall. Before school the next morning, I had a very worried little boy who did not like the idea of adding layers of clothing to his routine. I couldn’t convince him to put on any of his snow gear. His fears came out in the form of tears. I tried to console him as we were running out of time to make it to the bus stop. He continued to sob. I assured him that he would have help at school to learn new procedures. I reminded him that other kids were learning too. I silently prayed for help followed by a prayer aloud with him. It didn’t seem to help. I knew I would have to drive him to school and hand-deliver him to his teacher. I gathered his two younger siblings, and we all headed to school. Still in our pajamas, we walked our sad boy through the halls to his classroom with the sound of swishing little snow pants all around us. I explained his worries to his teacher, reassured him, and turned to leave. It broke my heart to say goodbye. He was emotionally overwhelmed, and his teacher was busy tending to the chaos of a classroom of almost thirty little kindergartners. As I left, I wanted nothing more than to go back, scoop up my little boy, and bring him home with me where he really wanted to be, but I tried not to worry.

Later that morning, I received a call from a school specialist. She told me she had pulled my son out of class for an assessment, and she was calling me to report how it went. Before she shared the results with me, she said, “When I sat down with your son, he rested his head on my shoulder for a little while. It was very sweet.”

“He had a hard morning,” I replied.

After we ended our conversation, tears of gratitude filled my eyes. I knew at that moment that Heavenly Father was aware of my child. Even though he was in a class full of other students with only one teacher to care for them all, Heavenly Father provided a way. He sent another loving adult to sit with my little one and give him the attention and comfort he needed on that particularly difficult day. I not only recognized Heavenly Father’s love for my child, but I also felt His awareness of me. What if the school specialist had waited to call me, or what if she hadn’t even told me about the tender moment she had with my son? I believe she was prompted by the Spirit to contact me right away and share it all with me. I believe Heavenly Father knew my worries and heard my prayers. He wanted me to know that this child, who was so dear to me, was in good hands and that He had sent help. He wanted to comfort me.

Elder Orson F. Whitney taught that our children “were [God’s] before they were [ours]—long before he entrusted them to [our] care; and [we] cannot begin to love them as he loves them.”² No matter the age of our children, whether they are small or grown, we can trust that Heavenly Father will work in their lives in ways that will touch them. Through their challenges, He will provide help and important lessons tailored to their needs. He knows them well, and He knows how to bless them. We can pray with them and for them. We can walk with them and support and encourage them, but the responsibility to care for our children is not entirely on us. When they’re out of our reach, He will send others to sit with them and help carry their burdens. When they’re alone and face overwhelming trials, He will wrap His loving arms around them.

On that snowy November day in Michigan, I realized that I can place my fears as a parent in the hands of God and trust that He knows the best way to care for all of His children, including my children. I learned what it means to let go and let God

¹Healing Through Christ: Help, Hope, and Healing for those who have a loved one in addiction, 26

²Orson F. Whitney, in Conference Report, April 1929, 110

Thanks to Britney for submitting this post. If you would like to submit a post that reflects your hope, faith, and experience with the Steps, please send it to thearborkalamazoo@gmail.com

from Britney

Recently I felt frustrated with a perceived lack of God’s help in my life. I had been working hard to improve my relationships, yet I didn’t think I was making any progress. In fact, it seemed that I was actually experiencing more challenges and less spiritual guidance than I had in the past despite my continued efforts to stay close to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. My frustration led me to feel somewhat rebellious. If I was doing my best to obey and I didn’t seem to be getting any help from heaven, why should I even bother trying? This state of defiance dulled my sense of right and wrong. I felt as if there were forces inside of me pulling me in two opposing directions, and it was spiritually painful. My spirit was torn.

After identifying these negative emotions through writing, I knew I needed to share them with Heavenly Father in prayer. Some time passed before I was ready to take that step, but when I finally did, I immediately felt a very specific prompting to read an old journal of mine. It was unexpected advice, but I quickly obeyed. As I read my own thoughts and experiences from years ago, I knew why I was guided to it. My testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ was scattered throughout my writing. In those entries, I enthusiastically declared my love of the scriptures and how important it was for me to have the influence of the Spirit in my life every day. I expressed a strong desire to do good always. I knew that the Holy Ghost led me to read that journal as a way to testify of truth to myself from myself. I was amazed that even though I had been upset with my Heavenly Father, He had been patiently waiting for me to come back to Him and ask for help. There was no delay in His response to my prayer despite my negative feelings toward Him.

Later that evening, I prayed again. I spoke with Heavenly Father more about my disappointment with the absence of clear guidance from Him. Again, I felt an immediate answer to my prayer as the following message came into my mind: “Have patience. Your story is not over. I am still working in your life.” I knew it was true, and I asked Heavenly Father if He would help me better recognize His hand in my life. In the days following that experience, I was blessed with many opportunities to notice the love of God. He gave me guidance and inspiration through conversations, scriptures, talks, and other resources He placed in my path. I felt His awareness and compassion for me and the challenges I face. As I reestablished a closeness with God, the spiritual storm inside of me calmed, and I found it easier to discern what was right and choose it.

This meaningful experience taught me three valuable lessons about prayer. The first is that we can share all of our feelings with Heavenly Father, even the negative ones. Our prayers do not have to be nice if that is not how we feel. He will hear us and love us even if we are frustrated with Him. He will not turn His back on us when our emotions are unpleasant. The second lesson I learned is that God is always available and ready to bless us. No matter how far we have separated ourselves from Him, we only have to decide to turn toward Him, and we will find that He is still there ready to reconnect with us. Finally, I learned that we must be patient when we are searching for spiritual guidance. Sometimes, He doesn’t answer our questions in the way we want or at the time we want, but while we’re waiting, we can ask to feel His love. We can ask Him to show us that He is with us. “As we trust that God hears our prayers, we learn to exercise patience. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf assured us that ‘the answers to our prayers come in the Lord’s due time. Sometimes we may become frustrated that the Lord has delayed answering our prayers. In such times we need to understand that He knows what we do not know. He sees what we do not see. Trust in Him. He knows what is best for His child, and being a perfect God, He will answer our prayers perfectly and in the perfect time.’” (p. 34, Healing Through Christ family workbook)

I’m grateful for the powerful blessing of prayer. I know we have a loving Father in Heaven who hears us when we speak to Him. As His children, we have a right to communicate with Him, and no one is unworthy of that access. We can be ourselves with Him. He loves us and waits for us to reach out to Him because He wants to bless us.

Thanks to Britney for submitting this post. If you would like to submit a post that reflects your hope, faith, and experience with the Steps, please send it to thearborkalamazoo@gmail.com

This week in Step Two we learned about hope and expectations. I’ve been intrigued for some time by the concept that people don’t break my heart, they break my expectations. Understanding that distinction has helped me recognize expectations that I may unconsciously impose on others. I’ve tried to become more aware of whether I am hurt because someone is unkind to me, or whether they just failed to respond to my internal, unspoken expectation. This concept has been very freeing for me, both in identifying my unspoken needs and being realistic about what I expect from others.

But this week, as we read about hope and expectations, I thought about it in a different way: which of my expectations are hurting me right now? I felt prompted to ask that question in my prayers, and I was shocked at the first thing that came into my mind. I expected (!) that I would think of something I was doing wrong, or perhaps that something I thought was not important was the exact thing Heavenly Father wanted me to be doing. I expected correction.

What I received was very different. The first thing that came into my mind was that I expected my family was angry at me about my shortcomings, and I was responding to them out of that expectation. I felt that I needed to let go of that expectation and accept their forgiveness and love. Other things came into my mind, and they all had to do with what I expected God or others thought about me. I realized I was being invited to let go of my expectations around others’ judgment of me, and as I thought about what that would feel like, I realized that those expectations really were hurting me and my relationships a great deal.

I’m eager to keep thinking and praying about this. I know I have expectations around what my husband wants or needs from me, my family, my friends, Heavenly Father. I have more questions for pondering and prayer, and I have a whole worldview to reexamine. But I think I will find a common theme of having more grace for myself, assuming more positive intent from others, and recognizing the difference between my expectations and the truth.

I love the section in Step Two of the Healing Through Christ Family Support workbook that talks about what I can expect:

When our expectations become firmly grounded in what God can and will do for us, our feelings of hope will increase and our spiritual and emotional health will be strengthened. A sure foundation on which to build our spiritual health is to expect that our prayers are heard by a loving Father in Heaven and that they will be answered. Expect that God will be with us to support, guide and sustain us. Expect that God’s plan will always result in our future happiness. …Our hope is based on an expectation that good things will come as we rely upon the guidance of our Father in Heaven.

These are all expectations that are grounded in truth: God hears me, He will help me, He plans for my happiness. I can depend on those expectations. And I can trust that identifying and praying about my other expectations will allow my Father to help me see things as they really are in my life and discard assumptions that are hurting me and my relationships.

I’ve been through Step Two many times. This week, as in so many other weeks, I was inspired to see something new, to ask new questions in my prayers and to discover a new way to strengthen my healing and recovery.

As people begin attending Healing Through Christ meetings, the most common reaction is “I wish I had known this years ago!” The principles and concepts which we discuss focus on increasing faith in Jesus Christ through a step-by-step process to feel the healing power of the Savior’s Atonement on a daily basis.

Spiritual healing for individuals and relationships comes as a result of the following concepts, among others, that can be applied in many different situations:

• Learning how to distinguish between negative thoughts and negative emotions and the appropriate way to respond to each
• Respecting agency and honoring the process of personal growth
• Setting healthy boundaries
• Emotionally detaching from obsessing over others’ problems without detaching from the person
• Understanding the emotional stages at work in our own and other’s lives
• Recognizing in ourselves codependent rescuing, persecuting, and suffering behaviors
• Trusting God to work in another’s life
• Placing hope in our Savior, Jesus Christ
• Learning how to believe in and experience the healing power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ
• Clearing away clutter that interferes with our ability to hear and respond to the Spirit
• Using tools such as a gratitude journal, fear list, and forgiveness practice to combine the power of emotional and spiritual healing

No problem-solving that happens in meetings; there are no discussions or cross-talk, so no one is giving advice to another person. These are not classes, and we do not teach a lesson or lead a discussion. All solutions come through the Spirit. In meetings we simply read the steps and the Spirit teaches and inspires the individual’s action to find solutions and healing through the Savior’s Atonement. We have a time to share our experience, faith, and hope, but we listen silently in appreciation and support as each of us shares or passes.

People come to meetings as a result of a wide variety of experiences. We often don’t know why a participant is there—the focus is on the solution, not the problem. But these are some challenges that have been helped by participating in Healing Through Christ meetings:

• Strained relationship with a spouse
• Need for new healthy ways of relating with adult children
• Ability to preserve relationships in spite of concerns over wayward child such as
  • Children who leave the church
  • Children who develop drug or other addictions
  • Children who have come out as gay or lesbian
• Life-threatening health crisis in children or grandchildren
• Diagnosis of chronic health condition
• Caring for children or adult family members with special needs
• Caring for aging parents
• Adult children who make poor financial, educational, or relationship decisions
• Crisis of faith
• Loved one’s addiction
• Loss of a loved one to suicide
• Ability to face relationship challenges without resorting to negative responses
• Need to create internal boundaries that prevent rushing into rescue or fix children or teenagers
• Increased ability to allow children to make decisions and learn from their own experience, rather than trying to manage their lives
• Need to understand emotional stages of response to trauma, loss, change in circumstances, etc.
• Strained relationships as a result of codependent behavior
• Deep, hidden anger and learning how to heal through the 12 Steps and the Atonement of Jesus Christ
• Sexual tensions in a marriage— trying to set boundaries for what is acceptable behavior
• Recovery from anger at family and church leaders after the overdose death of a spouse
• Fear as a result of job loss or marital problems; learning tools to process fear and let go and turn everything over to God
• Struggles with depression and feelings of isolation
• Struggles with anxiety and fear
• Aftermath of childhood physical and sexual abuse
• Struggle to stay faithful to covenants as a member with same-sex attraction
• Emotionally abusive marriage
• Effects of attachment disorders from childhood
• Sexual and other addictions; we have a number of participants who find HTC helpful and encouraging for coping with their own addictions, especially for dealing with the underlying emotions and triggers
• Bitterness from a contentious divorce
• Anger at church members or leaders that led to inactivity
• Need to develop a deeper ability to forgive
• Struggle to understand the nature of addiction and why loved ones turn to the addiction when they promise and intend to stop
• Need for a place that is safe to process difficult memories and find hope for the future
• Opportunity to see others who are in the process of using the Atonement to overcome a variety of challenges we don’t feel safe discussing at church

If this seems like a very broad array of problems, it is because Jesus Christ is the solution to most problems, and Healing Through Christ helps us come unto Him. Will you join us and decide if there is something to bless your life in these meetings? We have call-in meetings every day of the week; find more information at www.thearborkalamazoo.com or email thearborkalamazoo@gmail.com.

“Experiencing one miscarriage after another felt like a series of stoplights in my life, but as I turned to the Lord, I found that each loss was accompanied by peace, perspective, and growth.

“My fingers clenched the steering wheel as I stared anxiously at the red light. When it finally changed to green, I sped forward only to wait at another seemingly endless stoplight. I was still 10 minutes away from the lesson with the sister missionaries that was supposed to have started 5 minutes ago. If I had been a wiser mother, I would have predicted the 15-minute tantrum my almost-three-year-old daughter erupted into as we headed out the door, but I hadn’t. Yes, the world would go on if I was late, but since I was trying to do something good, didn’t I deserve at least some of the traffic lights to work in my favor? As I waited impatiently at yet another stoplight, I could feel my frustration tightening into anger. “I’m trying to do something good; trying my best! Where is the help I need?”

“Twenty months earlier, I had found myself asking parallel questions in a parallel situation, only in a place with all the peace and serenity that my stoplight moment lacked.”

We’re grateful for the insights Marianne, one of our previous posters and Healing Through Christ friend, shares in her heartfelt story. Read the rest of this beautiful account at the website Church of Jesus Christ.org

We are delighted to share a recording of the first hour from our Step Four Inventory Writing Retreat held on April 27, 2019. While some participants were able to call in and participant with the group remotely, we know that others who wanted to join us were not free at that time. We recorded the first part of our meeting and you can listen here

We still have some resources available on a Google Drive Folder. We collected a variety of ways of approaching a Step Four inventory, so you can look there and see what resonates for you today. Thanks to everyone who helped make the day a success, and may each of you find clarity and understanding as you build your inventory!

Healing Through Christ Michigan is hosting a Writing Retreat on Saturday, April 27th, from 9 am to 4 pm. You are welcome to join us and work on your Step Four Inventory in companionship with other friends in recovery.

We will have a pot luck lunch, and you are welcome to bring a dish to contribute. In addition, there will be some breaks for a nature walk and sharing our experience and insights, as desired. Because many of the participants in our meetings call in from all over the country, we will have a call-in option for the first 45 mins or so of the day. During that time we will be discussing the benefits of a Step Four inventory and various ways in which it can be done. You can join us by calling (781) 448-0376 at 9 am Eastern Daylight Time. After the end of the welcome and introduction, we will close the phone line and invite participants to start writing, wherever they may be.

We have some resources available that describe different ways of doing a Step Four inventory, from a spreadsheet and checkboxes, to a storytelling/journal style, to questions/prompts. We have these available for you as a Google Drive Doc. Please click on this link to access these: Step Four Writing Resources. We suggest you view these before the Retreat, decide if you would like to use any, and download or print them out in advance. Also, if you are intending to attend in person, please email us at megdecker@gmail.com to let us know you will be coming or ask questions.

Next week our Healing Through Christ Family Support meetings will begin again with the Introduction to Step One. This is a great time to join us, either in person or by phone. We have many phone meetings, and they have the advantage of providing access to people regardless of their location. Participants can join and listen only, or they can help with the reading and share. These meetings become powerful sources of support and love.

While our workbook talks about having a loved one in addiction, in fact many of the people who come to our group meetings have other challenges that they are facing. The Steps help us to experience hope and healing through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, regardless of the specific circumstances of our lives. Our focus is on the solution, not the problem, so often we don’t know why people come to our groups, unless at some point they decide to share their struggle. We support each other in coming to Christ—it doesn’t matter where we are coming from.

Emotional and spiritual healing for self and relationships come as a result of these principles, among others, that we learn as we work the Steps:

• Learning how to distinguish between negative thoughts and negative emotions and the appropriate way to respond to each
• Respecting agency; honoring the process of personal growth
• Setting healthy boundaries
• Emotionally detaching from obsessing over others’ problems without detaching from the person
• Understanding the emotional stages at work in our own and other’s lives
• Recognizing in ourselves codependent rescuing, persecuting, and suffering behaviors
• Trusting God to work in another’s life
• Placing hope in our Savior, Jesus Christ
• Learning how to believe in and experience the healing power of the Atonement of
• Jesus Christ
• Clearing away clutter that interferes with our ability to hear and respond to the Spirit
• Using tools such as a gratitude journal, fear list, and forgiveness practice to combine the power of emotional and spiritual healing

No problem-solving that happens in meetings; we have no cross-talk, so no one is giving advice to another person. All solutions come through the Spirit. In meetings we simply read the Steps and the Spirit teaches and inspires the individual to find solutions, hope, and healing through the Savior’s Atonement.

We discover how to experience the grace of Jesus Christ as a healing and enabling power in our lives every day. We see others who are in the process of using the Atonement of Jesus Christ to overcome a variety of challenges we don’t feel safe discussing at church; witnessing that success gives us hope for ourselves. When we survey anonymous participants about the ways in which Healing Through Christ meetings helped them or others, they list these challenges that were helped through the meetings and working the Steps.

• Strained relationship with a spouse
• Healthy ways of relating with adult children
• Ways to preserve relationships in spite of concerns over wayward child such as
  • Children who leave the church
  • Children who develop drug or other addictions
  • Children who have come out as gay or lesbian
• Life-threatening health crisis in children or grandchildren
• Diagnosis of chronic health condition
• Caring for children or adult family members with special needs
• Caring for aging parents
• Adult children who make poor financial, educational, or relationship decisions
• Crisis of faith
• Loss of a loved one to suicide
• Relationship challenges without resorting to negative responses
• Creating internal boundaries that prevent rushing into rescue or fix children or teenagers
• Trusting children to make decisions and learn from their own experience, rather than trying to manage their lives
• Emotional stages of response to trauma, loss, change in circumstances, etc.
• Strained relationships as a result of codependent behavior
• Deep, hidden anger and learning how to heal through the 12 Steps and the Atonement of Jesus Christ
• Sexual tensions in a marriage— trying to set boundaries for what is acceptable behavior
• Anger at family and church leaders after traumatic events
• Fear as a result of job loss or marital problems; learning tools to process fear and let go and turn everything over to God
• Struggles with depression and feelings of isolation
• Struggles with anxiety and fear
• Aftermath of childhood physical and sexual abuse
• Struggle to stay faithful to covenants as a member with same-sex attraction
• Emotionally abusive marriage
• Effects of attachment disorders from childhood
• Sexual and other addictions
• Bitterness from a contentious divorce
• Anger at church members or leaders that led to inactivity
• Need to develop a deeper ability to forgive
• Struggle to understand the nature of addiction and why loved ones turn to the addiction when they promise and intend to stop
• Need for a place that is safe to process difficult memories and find hope for the future
• Opportunity to see others who are in the process of using the Atonement of Jesus Christ to overcome a variety of challenges we don’t feel safe discussing at church

While every week is a great week to start coming to meetings, we will be starting from Step One over the next few weeks. Come join us by finding a meeting on our phone meeting page. You will feel love and acceptance and hope.