“Let him that is ignorant learn wisdom by humbling himself and calling upon the Lord his God, that his eyes may be opened that he may see, and his ears opened that he may hear.” (D&C 136:32)
Every hour of every day is a fight for me. A fight to stay clean and sober, and to maintain the ground I’ve gained. I’m asked the questions, “Why are you fighting? Why don’t you just give up?” God has blessed me this day to live. What will I do with it?
The battle to recognize the pain and destruction caused by my actions was hard. I learned a valued lesson. I’m ultimately a good man. Winning this battle requires transparent and full disclosure. And Hope. Repentance is possible! God is real. Jesus Lives. He is the Son of the Most High God! He loves me, knows me, and will succor me if I but humble myself to hear his voice over all the other noise in the world. I am fighting to keep the Spirit!
I fight to keep my amazing wife! I give service to her. One morning last month, my wife and I had a discussion that meant more to me than I think it did to her. The point was simply that I’m getting better, and that’s progression. It hit me hard. It felt nice to hear. Together we are fighting for our family.
Each day I fight with the understanding of the simple fact that I’m a dad. I serve and teach my children. And I’m doing it, humbled that it is a simple and beautiful job. I’m happy to fight for my amazing family.
There are many trigger dates coming up. These are dates with memories attached which could cause me to slip or even relapse. There are too many people from the past I will remember or with whom I will cross paths. They could be triggers. Satan wants to have influence over me. I fight to forgive. I’m choosing to submit to the Father and lean not on my understanding, but on His alone. I can look to Christ and through Him all things are possible. I like what C.S. Lewis said:
I pray because I can’t help myself.
I pray because I’m helpless.
I pray because the need flows out of me
all the time — waking and sleeping.
It doesn’t change God.
It changes me.
I’m not the perfect soldier yet, but I will not give up on this fight. God knows and loves me and all of us. With His help our trials can be overcome, one hour and one day at a time.